COLD OPEN
BLACK SCREEN
TITLE: 10:45 A.M.
TITLE: On A Friday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:
CHARLIE (V.O.)
Seriously man, I really don’t care
about her anymore.
DENNIS (V.O.)
You’re so full of shit, Charlie.
CHARLIE (V.O.)
What are you talking about, dude?
INT. PADDY’S PUB – DAY
CHARLIE, MAC and DENNIS are sitting at the bar. DEE is behind the bar on her laptop, which is on the bar.
DENNIS
There’s no way in hell you’re
expecting us to believe that you
never want to see the Waitress
again.
Mac squints and shrugs his shoulders.
MAC
Yeah, bro. You’ve been obsessing
over her for years.
Charlie holds his arms up, because he is confused.
CHARLIE
Well look, maybe I’m just tired of
her, okay, I mean she isn’t that
nice when you think about it.
DENNIS
That’s never stopped you before.
CHARLIE
I told her how I feel and tried
doing nice things fore her, but, you
know, she just craps on my heart, man.
MAC
Well, you have gone about it a bit
aggressively.
Charlie turns to Mac and is defensive.
CHARLIE
Aggressively? What are you talking
about, dude?
Dennis shuffles.
DENNIS
Well, Charlie, I think what Mac is
trying to say is that all the stalking
and late night calls from the emergency
room is creepy. And kinda sad.
Charlie waves his hand at Dennis.
CHARLIE
That’s bullshit, man.
MAC
Charlie, don’t you think Dennis has
a point here?
Dee looks up from her computer with a big smile on her face.
DEE
Oh my god, you guys, that casting
director for that T.V. dating show
just emailed me back.
CHARLIE
Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe I was just
trying to show her what a passionate
person I am.
MAC
By bugging her apartment with your
tape recorder from junior high that
you stuffed in one of those plastic
rocks, so you could hear everything
she does?
Mac holds one finger up to his ear, as if he hand an ear piece in.
DEE
You guys.
CHARLIE
No. Look, I put the tape recorder
in the rock, to disguise it, you
know, so that way…
Dennis interrupts.
DENNIS
Weird, dude.
Dee is still looking up from her computer, and squints.
DEE
You guys.
MAC
Besides, Charlie, you couldn’t have
ever gotten the Waitress because you
don’t know shit about women.
CHARLIE
Screw you guys, okay.
Dee SLAMS both her hands on the bar.
DEE
Seriously, you guys, this is really
important.
Mac leans back on his stool, then throws in body forward and rest his head on the bar.
MAC
Goddamn it, Dee, what could be so
MAC (CONT’D)
important?
Dee takes a step back and crosses her arms.
DEE
I just wanted to tell, you guys,
that casting director from the T.V.
show emailed me back, and I’m really
excited. It says to meet at the
Marriott in downtown tonight. This
could be my big break.
DENNIS
Great.
Mac takes a drink from his beer mug and SLAMS it on the bar, and leans forward to get in Dee’s face.
MAC
Awesome, Dee. Let us know when this
blows up in your face.
Mac leans back down and gives Dennis a high-five.
DEE
Oh come on. Every time something
good happens to me, nobody cares.
CHARLIE
No, good for you, Dee.
DEE
(unsure)
Thanks, Charlie.
Dennis SCOFFS.
MAC
What kinda show is this?
DEE
It’s one of those dating shows,
where a washed up celebrity gets to
pick from like twenty girls to be his
love, or whatever. They put all
the girls in a nice house with all
DEE (CONT’D)
you can drink and plenty of camera
exposure.
MAC
Who’s the celebrity?
DEE
Scott Baio.
Dennis WINCES and looks annoyed.
DENNIS
Scott Baio? The Happy Days guy?
Isn’t he like 50?
Dee points at Dennis.
DEE
That’s not the point. The point is
I don’t have to win, all I gotta do
is get in front of that camera. Then
some big name director will cast me
in a major motion picture.
The gang pauses, looks at one another and LAUGHS at Dee.
DENNIS
You… you really think that will
happen?
CHARLIE
Yeah, Dee, there’s probably more to
it then that.
Mac points at Dennis and Charlie, as if he were instructing them.
MAC
Well, if said director is shooting
a movie about the life and times of
Big Bird, then maybe she’ll have a
chance.
Charlie and Dennis nod.
DENNIS
Ah, you’re right, I didn’t even
think of that.
CHARLIE
Yeah, yeah, with the large nose and
wing-like arms. It could work.
DENNIS
And look at your hair, Dee. Are you
trying to look like a parrot?
Dee crosses her arms.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
This dating show isn’t going anywhere,
Dee. It’s just going to be like all
the other dating shows. I bet me, Mac,
and Charlie could put on a better show
then the one you’re going to be on.
DEE
Whatever. That’s a stupid idea. We’ll
see what you assholes say when I’m
on the big screen.
Dee packs up her things, while the gang LAUGHS at her.
DEE (CONT’D)
Later, bitches.
Dee SLAMS the door behind her.
END OF TEASER
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